How Could This Happen to Me?
by Dirk O'Reilly
Summary: A songfic about Felldoh's last hours. Set to Untitled by Simple Plan, which I don't own by the way.


_I open my eyes,__  
__I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light._

Felldoh's world spun around him as he tried to bring himself back to reality. His chest was heaving up and down, though he kept his breathing silent, as he recovered from his dream. Felldoh was entirely unsure if it had been a pleasant dream, or a terrifying nightmare. As he stood up and drifted quietly to the edges of camp, the large squirrel came to the conclusion that it was somewhere in between.

He looked down the sharp drop of the cliff at the crashing waves below. The gentle lapping of the waves brought a calmness back to the squirrel. Felldoh could manage to make out the white breakers of the surf through the darkness. The cool color comforted his eyes, which sent red spots dancing across his vision when he blinked them. Even giving his head a quick shake was not enough to clear them. In fact, it only intensified the swirling sensation Felldoh was feeling.

He perched himself on top of boulder, almost entering a meditative state as he continued to listen to the waves. He eyes drooped closed, but not from drowsiness. Tears slipped out from underneath Felldoh's eyelids and down his dusty cheeks.

_I can't remember how,__  
__I can't remember why,__  
__I'm lying here tonight._

He seemed to be the only creature in the entire camp that was still mourning the loss of Juniper and the completely ignored death of Hillgorse. It was as if without a grave, or even a corpse, the late leader of the slave rebellion within Marshank had been forgotten. Of course, Felldoh had not been present when the slaves carried out their banned activities, but he had known the elderly hedgehog before making good his own escape. He seemed to have been one of the few creatures that believed they should revolt before Martin had openly made his and their sentiments visible to Badrang and his horde.

And Juniper... He was the second casualty. All because of a mistake. _His _mistake! Felldoh clenched his paws angrily, eyes snapping open. This time Felldoh's vision was flecked with red dots around the rims of his eyes. They danced around his field of vision as he strode away from the cliff edge.

_And I can't stand the pain__  
__And I can't make it go away_

Felldoh had vowed to never forgive himself for Juniper's death. He had vowed to never forgive himself for hurting Brome. Even though the young mouse's words had bitten into him like the whips of Badrang's horde, he knew there was truth in the young mouse's words; Felldoh also knew there was no way Brome could understand, no way anybeast could understand. Brome hadn't even been a slave. He had only sat in the prison pit for awhile, alone for only a few of those days.

Felldoh longed for the presence of a like-minded creature - somebeast who could provide a type of a solace that no other beast could provide. The burly squirrel had been walking quietly towards his secret javelin cache, hidden in the swamp some distance from camp. He had let Rowanoak, Ballaw, his father, and all of the other Fur and Freedom Fighters see most of his javelins, but he knew none of them would approve of him making javelins solely for his own purposes.

He picked one up from the stack, easily hefting it. He idly swung it around his right paw, stopping only when the tip began to whir noisily as it spun. As Felldoh firmly planted the javelin point in the ground, the idea came to him. He felt the surging, rushing feeling, not unlike that from his dream, as he smiled darkly into the night.

_How could this happen to me?__  
__I made my mistakes,_

The smile faded from Felldoh's face as quickly as it had appeared. He shoulders slumped forward as more tears came to his eyes. Why was it always _his _responsibility to fight Wasn't everybeast in the Fur and Freedom Fighters, same as him? Didn't everybeast want complete freedom, same as he did? But still, he was always the one having to organize attacks and continue organizing the army. Unlike that glorified otter Keyla, and his fiend Tullgrew. He had heard the pair of otters talking at dusk, along with Brome, planning to follow him around

Felldoh's paw clenched around his javelin. Well, he would show them.

_I've got no where to run,__  
__The night goes on…_  
_As I'm fading away, __  
__I'm sick of this life,__  
__I just wanna scream…_

More red dots began to float around everything as Felldoh paced quietly through camp. When he reached the performers' cart, he rummaged around until he found some rope. Carrying back his find to his secret javelin cache, Felldoh pulled two out of the stack, and began loosely tying the rest into a bundle. With the remaining rope, he tied it off to form a strap.

Felldoh tried experimentally lifting the bundle, and even though there were quite a few javelins, he easily hefted it over his shoulder. He moved his knot down to tighten the strap, which made it more comfortable. Bending down, Felldoh picked up one of the two remaining javelins in each paw.

He looked over to the east; the sun would soon be rising. Not wanting to wake anybeast, Felldoh slipped through camp on the branches of trees.

_How could this happen to me?_

He stopped short above his father's sleeping body. More tears came to the squirrel's eyes, but he roughly wiped them away with his tunic. But even without tears, it felt like Felldoh's heart was being ripped from his body. He let the pain engulf him, willing it to hurry up and leave so that he too could leave. Maybe it was better to feel the pain now; he would have no regrets or fears later.

Nonetheless, Felldoh could not just leave. Dropping as softly as he could onto the ground, he knelt next to his father. As silently as he could, he placed a paw on Barkjon's head. His father murmured in his sleep and turned over, away from Felldoh.

Felldoh stood back up. This was it now, there was noway of turning back.

_Everybody's screaming,__  
__I try to make a sound but no one hears me…. _

The large squirrel shot back up into the trees, bounding across the rest of camp in the blink of an eye. His time for revenge had come. He had organized hit-and-run attacks against Marshank, but nobeast had agreed to the foolhardy proposition of laying siege to Marshank. Even though Felldoh knew it would be stupid, he still had his fantasies. He thought his fantasies had been completely dashed when Juniper had died, but not anymore.

Felldoh had put forth all his arguments, and nobeast had listened. The large squirrel was filled with peace, knowing that he was his own master now, and had the right to make this decision.

_I'm slipping off the edge, __  
__I'm hanging by a thread,_  
_I wanna start this over again_.

Felldoh walked out of camp. Even he was surprised at how well he was holding up, physically and mentally. None of his limbs or paws were shaking, or even trembling. Indeed, his mind had not yet fully absorbed what he was intending to do. All he felt was a full, brimming confidence. The javelins bouncing lightly on his back reassured him, and his gentle grip on the javelins in his paws calmed him.

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered,_  
_And I can't explain what happened,__  
__And I can't erase the things that I've done,__  
__No I can't…_

Felldoh took a short detour, passing by Juniper's grave. He looked at all the mementos lying on the earth there. Some had blown away in the wind, and Felldoh walked a radius around the grave, collecting the objects, while his two javelins rested against the headstone. He returned, clasping a variety of items, and put them neatly back onto the grave. He looked nostalgically at the pile. Strange, he did not really feel a connection to Juniper or any other creature, for that matter. There was a dull feeling where there once had been burning emotion.

Maybe it was for the better.

Felldoh did not want feel.

Except for his hatred and anger. Those were the only feelings that could help him now.

_How could this happen to me?__  
__I made my mistakes,_  
_I've got no where to run,__  
__The night goes on._

Felldoh knew deep inside of him this was the calm before the storm.He needed to save his energy for the conflict ahead; the conflict against Badrang. Felldoh took one last look at the grave. Solemnly, he placed a javelin on top of the pile of mementos. "I'll keep my promise Juniper."

_As I'm fading away,__  
__I'm sick of this life,__  
__I just wanna scream._  
_How could this happen to me?_

The sun peaked over the horizon and turned the sky a reddish tint. Felldoh watched it as he made his way down the cliff. After he had descended about thirty feet, he felt eyes on his back. He did not turn. He did not want to have to stand around and listen to "reason" all morning. Felldoh's reasoning made perfect sense to Felldoh. If he could not carry out his plans then he might as well have still been a slave.

As if daring his friends, former friends?, to challenge him, Felldoh stepped out jauntily, letting the javelin in his paw swing loosely. By this time, the large squirrel had reached the shore. He walked onto the sand below the tideline, finding it easier to walk where the sand was damp. However, when he had reached the point when he could see Badrang standing on the walltop of Marshank, he walked farther up the beach, wanting to get in range as quickly as possible.

_I made my mistakes, __  
__I've got no where to run,__  
__The night goes on..._

Felldoh thought he faintly he heard the voices of Keyla, Tullgrew, and Brome drifting down to home. Inwardly, he chuckled at them. Of course he had seen the soldiers fortified behind trenches by Marshank.

And Felldoh could not wait to get his paws on them.

But first, he had to deal with Badrang. The large squirrel sent two javelins and foul language flying towards Badrang. A savage grin covered his face as he hit a nerve, and the gates of Marshank swung open, revealing the stoat, who had just descended from the walls.

_As I'm fading away...__  
__I'm sick of this life...__  
__I just wanna scream..._

Felldoh was not even sure what was happening. His mind stopped controlling his actions and his instincts took over. The next thing he knew, he was beating Badrang with a javelin. Redness was beginning to overtake Felldoh's vision. He could not even tell what he was yelling at Badrang; all he knew was that it was such a release to finally beat his tormentor.

He could not even differentiate between Badang's yells and the yells of the Fur and Freedom Fighters as they came his way. In one glance, Felldoh knew he needed to finish this before the Fighters arrived. They would not rob him of this opportunity!

Felldoh became a whirling blur as Badrang's soldiers surrounded him and the stoat was carried away. The squirrel had accepted the fact that he would die. He had accepted the fact that he in fact wanted to make sure he died. But Felldoh could not accept the fact that he would die without killing Badrang. Now it was do or die.

Felldoh gave himself up to the redness, striking out against all of the soldiers.

_How could this happen to me?_

He did not feel his injuries, even when he collapsed onto the sand, unable to breathe.


End file.
